Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Good Trainer/Bad Trainer

So I met with my little trainer gal (LTG) today. She's darling. She's perky. She's like 12. She calls me ma'am. And I'll bet my eating a big bowl of lima beans that she doesn't have an ounce of cellulite anywhere on her body. I freaking HATE lima beans. I'd rather eat just about anything in the world. Except maybe hot dogs. Don't ask. I can't explain it. It's just one of those things.

So anyway, I meet up with LTG at 10 this morning. (It takes me an hour to drop the Hurricane off at school and convince her that she wants to stay and play. For some reason, she's always sure that she doesn't. Never mind that on Wednesdays, when HRH goes to Pre-K and Hurricane is with me, she gripes at me all day about "why come tister go to school and me not get to?" She's nuts. Comes by it honest, though) My friend J was meeting her trainer (let's call her Lucifer) at the same time. OMG I am thanking my lucky stars that I got LTG rather than Lucifer! She's a freaking monster! J works her rear off. She's so much more dedicated than me. I'd stop going and start screening phone calls. LTG is a doll, she has me fill out paperwork about why I'm there.

* Reason for starting an exercise regimen : to shut my husband up.

* What was your reason for stopping previous exercise regimen : apathy and I never liked my shoes.

* What would you like to accomplish with this exercise regimen : world peace, my children sleeping, $2/gallon gas and fewer dimples on my ass.

* Do you have any physical conditions that would keep you from exercising? : unfortunately, no

* Has a doctor ever warned you against physical activity? : No, but in elementary school Mrs. Carlton told my mother "why bother" when it was time to sign up for dance classes. And I imagine there are countless yoga instructors who will want to throw me out of their nice, peaceful classes b/c I can't keep my trap shut.

And so on and so forth. LTG seemed to be amused, but all answers were the truth! She set a goal for me to work out 3-4 times a week for 20 minutes. WHOA there Nelly! Prince Charming has been busting my butt for 40 minutes on the elliptical this week! I've been hoodwinked!!! I SO cannot wait for him to get home from this latest trip so I can tell him I have it on authority I shouldn't go more than 20 minutes now. :) :) :) She then proceeds to show me around the cardio room. (listen to me all throwing out the lingo like I'm all that! Are you impressed?) I heard "this is the treadmill, you push this big green button to get going". Seriously? Do I look that dumb? Did I fall down walking down the hall to meet you? What's up with that? So I say "Oh! You mean the one that says 'start'?" Just to make her aware that I can read. Then I met my old buddy the elliptical. I told LTG that we were friends. I'm not sure Elliptical is doing anything for my glutes even though I'm doing glute workouts, though, b/c I'm not sore at ALL. Maybe I'm doing it wrong, which might justify LTG treating me a little like an idiot.

She leaves me to exercise. I decide a trip to the car to grab my headphones is a good idea, so I can watch The Price is Right and moan at the bad guesses with the septuagenarian on the reclining bicycle next to me. As I'm walking out, I have the thought that my friend J is working out right in front of the windows with Lucifer. I'm sure she sees me skipping down the stairs while she's lifting 80000 pound weights while hopping on one leg and reciting the Declaration of Independence and thinking "THE HELL she's leaving!!!" I was SO tempted to turn around and stick my fingers in my ears and waggle them and stick out my tongue at her, but then I remembered that I'm 33. I grab my headphones, head back inside, work on the elliptical, record my time (I only padded it 5 minutes) in my little record sheet in LTG's binder and then head home! No harm, no foul! This isn't hard! Next up? YOGA!!!!! I have to find out when they're doing classes.

p.s.--> Can you believe that the spell checker doesn't recognize lima beans?!?!??! I guess I could capitalize it, but that would make it Lima beans, and I'm not sure they're from Peru, you know?

p.s.2--> Upon further reading, I'm not sure it's apparent in the title that the "good trainer" is LTG and the "bad trainer" is Lucifer. I suck at blog titles. But now you know, so it's all good I guess.


SuperMom said...

You are so blogging me to shame! But i love the new gusto with which you are writing! You make me laugh....

Lara said...

This is great! I love it. I'm pretty sure lima beans aren't from Peru because if they were, wouldn't we call them "leema" beans?

I'll have to show you some of the stuff Jeremy makes me do because my butt is pretty much constantly sore.

CA Girl in 10-OC said...

I'm gonna get in shape just be reading how you're doing it. Ya, just by sitting here I'm going to get toned up. I just will. Trust. So keep it up!!